Boundaries, where you end and I begin by Anne Katherine, M.A.
One of the most grounding ideas from Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin is the reminder that every living organism has boundaries. Cells have membranes. Skin protects the body. Trees have bark. These boundaries aren’t about shutting the world out — they’re about protection, regulation, and survival.
When a boundary is repeatedly penetrated or weakened, the organism becomes more vulnerable. The same is true for us. When emotional, relational, or physical boundaries are unclear or consistently crossed, we often experience exhaustion, resentment, anxiety, or a loss of self.
Boundaries aren’t walls — they are what allow us to stay connected without becoming depleted.
What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries define where you end and someone else begins. They clarify what is yours to carry and what is not. Healthy boundaries allow closeness without self-erasure and separation without guilt.
Many people struggle with boundaries not because they don’t care, but because they were never taught that they were allowed to have them.
Types of Boundaries
Most boundaries fall into a few key categories:
Physical boundaries: your body, personal space, and physical autonomy.
Emotional boundaries: allowing others to have feelings without taking responsibility for them.
Mental boundaries: your thoughts, beliefs, and opinions — including the right to disagree or disengage.
Time boundaries: how available you are and how your energy is spent.
Relational boundaries: what roles and responsibilities you take on within relationships.
How to Know When a Boundary Has Been Breached
Often, our bodies know before our minds do. Common signs include:
Resentment, irritation, or emotional depletion
Anxiety or dread around certain people or situations
A sense of obligation rather than choice
Feeling responsible for managing others’ emotions
Saying yes when you mean no
These signals aren’t failures — they’re information.
Why Boundary Breaches Feel So Threatening
When boundaries are repeatedly ignored, especially in early relationships, we often adapt by becoming hyper-aware of others’ needs and disconnected from our own. Over time, this can lead to people-pleasing, emotional numbing, or explosive anger when the system finally overloads.
Re-establishing boundaries can feel scary because it often means tolerating discomfort — both yours and someone else’s.
How to Re-Establish Healthier, Firmer Boundaries
Name the boundary internally first. What feels off? What do you need more or less of?
Start small and specific. Clear, simple statements are often enough.
Expect discomfort — not danger. Pushback doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong.
Avoid over-explaining. You don’t need permission to protect your energy.
Repair when needed. Boundaries can be firm and kind at the same time.
Boundaries as an Act of Care
Boundaries are not walls — they are membranes. Flexible, responsive, and protective. They allow us to stay open without being overwhelmed and connected without losing ourselves.
For many people, boundary struggles are rooted in early relationships where needs weren’t acknowledged or emotional safety wasn’t consistent. In therapy, boundaries often become clearer as clients reconnect with their internal cues, practice naming needs, and learn to tolerate the discomfort that can come with change.
If boundaries feel confusing, threatening, or impossible, that’s not a personal failure — it’s often a learned survival strategy. Therapy can be a supportive place to explore where your boundaries were compromised, how that shows up now, and how to rebuild them in ways that feel steady and sustainable.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away — they’re about staying whole.